This year, with all its difficulties, has been helping us grow by making us look back on what brought us to where we are now. Many aren’t liking the energy and are refusing to examine how their choices got them here. But many are. I am one of them. I have been in self-reflection mode all year and I’ve come to some clarity within. I’d like to share that here as I have found it has helped clients when I’ve spoken of it in readings.
I’ve always been really smart. I’ve always had an excellent memory (I can still recite all the prepositions of the English language I learned in sixth grade). And I usually think faster than most people around me. Part of that is natural psychic awareness and part is because, growing up, I needed to think and speak fast to get my point across before my mother interrupted me.
I graduated top of my class in High School. In those days, preparation for university didn’t start as early or wasn’t nearly as involved as it is now. The discussion didn’t even come up in my house until right before I graduated. That was long after it should have, but there was a reason for that: my mother never went to university and in her life-long competition with me (going back 2,000 years to our incarnation in Rome), she passively wasn’t going to make the effort for me to go. So the discussion went something like this:
Parents: Do you want to go to college?
Me (thinking about the amount of money they had spent on my older brother as he changed his major several times and just seemed to keep going and going on their dime): No.
That was it. No asking why that was my decision or what I wanted to study or suggesting ways that I could find the right place, what would fit my path, or how higher education was important. Just, that was it. In this year’s energy of looking back, I thought about that with growing bitterness.
I have been THIS CLOSE to success so many times in this life as an actor, writer/director, or producer in the entertainment industry. I became one of the many who almost got there but never did. Yet everything else in my life came to me very easily: I thought it, I manifested it. But I just couldn’t manifest success in an entertainment career (and I tried hard on every level there is). So without going into wah-wah-feeling-sorry-for-myself-energy, I looked back from what felt like a pattern of lack of success to a point where the failure energy could have started. Logically, it was the moment of not going to university.
Like I said, I was smart. I had the grades. My father went to Yale. I could have gotten in. But there was no direction or support for me to do that (thanks, Ma). I started thinking about how my life would have been different if I had had that opportunity. Would I have had the degree and training to be successful in the entertainment industry or another chosen job or career? Would I have even chosen the same path if I’d gotten a degree? I believe I would have been more financially successful. But what about the rest of it?
Then I reflected on where I am now. I work as a Spiritual Counselor and psychic. To most, that’s a joke. To almost all in my family, it’s not even a real job (except for my cousin who is just as psychic and works in a mainstream job). I get a pat on the head from them for being a good, kind human being and for taking care of my mother as she was dying, but basically, what I do is a joke.
Mainstream society feels the same way, without a doubt. It’s with good reason, I know, because there is no level of integrity demanded of the growing psychic industry. Too many are egos with some power preying on others. So I reflected on my life and my progress according to society and I considered myself a true failure. But that didn’t feel right. I stopped judging the past for what it could have been and looked at my life differently. This time, I looked from the karmic and soul purpose point of view.
I came into this life with two main karmic contracts to fulfill and a lot of self-awareness work to do. The first karmic contract was with my mother to help her break out of the childish, selfish and stubborn rhythm she’d been in for 2,000 years. I behaved as her mother from the time I was born in this life. I worked on helping her for 52 years. When she died in 2005, she unfortunately had chosen to learn nothing. While that was vastly disappointing to me and made it seem like I wasted my life on her, that wasn’t the point. My contract was to try my best with her. It was her choice to get it or not. I fulfilled that contract. Success.
The second karmic contract was to be the portal for my kids to be born. I never wanted to raise children in this life. But when the opportunity came for me to be a surrogate mother for friends and have the children biologically related to me, I found I wanted the experience of pregnancy and birth (solving the mystical Mother Mystery) and “having” children without raising them. Karmically, my boys needed to come in biologically related to me but be raised by others. I fulfilled that. Success.
I’ve spent the last many lifetimes bouncing from hard-ass male warriors to spiritual female healers and oracles. This lifetime is my opportunity to balance both of those energies, to use them equally as they are both part of me. I am fulfilling that. Success.
If I look at my life as seen by mainstream society, I am a failure and a joke. If I see instead my spiritual and karmic path, I have been incredibly successful in my choices. Once I realized that I chose this life’s path to be of service to others (my mother, my boys and their parents and, these days, my clients), instead of using my natural gifts for my own gratification in the creative arts, I found incredible peace within. Something clicked inside that I hadn’t known was out of sync.
So in looking at personal paths, please keep in mind that what society teaches and expects and what karmic trauma is brought from previous lives may not direct us to the “right” path. Stressing about achieving something because of those expectations and/or trauma causes so much harm to self and others. Understanding what the true path is can bring peace and knowledge of accomplishment, even if it doesn’t make us millionaires.
Many clients want their life paths read and often what I tell them is not what they want to hear. They want to know that they are supposed to be a successful actor or business person, or a mother or father, or even just married. When I’ve told them that their journey in this life, for example, is to come to grips with their fears from the past or complete self-awareness as an independent woman after 2,000 years of male oppression, it’s not enough. That doesn’t bring fame or money. The Piscean Age concept of society says that’s not enough.
But with the Aquarian Age vibrations stronger and growing, giving us more insight into ourselves, what we’ve made into our current society is undergoing change. It’s already started. It takes each individual coming into more self-awareness and peace for it to spread and make real, large-and-long-term influential change.
While we’re all having personal fear, self-reflection, and self-judgment shoved at us every moment of every day this year, try looking at what we consider success a little differently. If we take away everyone else’s opinions, societal expectations, and the trauma from past lives for just a moment, are we pleased with who we are, how we treat people and how those important to us treat us? Do we belong anywhere? Are we the best human beings we can be?
These will be the important questions in the Aquarian Age. Not about how much money we make or what awards we’ve gotten. Obviously, we will still strive to accomplish things that are mainstream like going to university, getting a good paying job, having a happy family. If we can see that not as the BE ALL, END ALL but just a part of our journey, stress disappears and inner peace can shine.
We’ve all come into this life with chosen paths to follow, karmic contracts to complete and self-lessons to learn. They are interdependent. Following a path leads us to the person we need to complete the karmic contract with which leads us to self-reflection which leads to understanding our chosen path. The circle flows.
We need to give ourselves a break and start thinking of a bigger picture than what society demands. We created this society over centuries and we can change it while it changes us by showing us what we don’t want anymore.
I make a distinction in readings between job and career. For an actor, waiting tables is a job to earn money, acting is the career, no matter how financially successful it is or isn’t. Our chosen paths are the same. Our life jobs may be all about earning money and being seen as successful while our careers are something else. If we see them for the weight each of them carries, and balance out our karma and societal demands equally, I think we’ll all find that the growth we’re working on this year comes a lot easier.
I offer this with love and gratitude…